"I can’t always be happy, and I can be gentle to myself."

Interview with Marten from Holland, who joined us for a 3 week Dathün in March 2013. He shares his experience as a first time meditator and participant at Dechen Chöling.

People sitting... We don't have a picture of Marten though :).

"I thought it would be more or less like a vacation with a bit of meditation. I thought it would be very chilled out, relaxed. Of course, I had checked the website and had seen that the programme was full of meditation, but somehow, I thought that meditation was not hard work. At least that was what I thought back then. I really underestimated it.

The 5 first days were really difficult. It was physically painful. After 1 or 2 days your back and your legs get really sore. But after 5 days the pain disappears, and it doesn’t impact your meditation. Then all kind of emotions come pouring in like a waterfall or a tsunami. It’s just one big thing coming at you.

You begin in the morning at 7:00, you finish in the evening at 9:00 and have different appointments throughout the day. I am very strict on myself so I didn’t want to miss one second of it. I wanted to perform well at every session and wanted every session to be better than the previous one, so I put a lot of pressure on myself during the first days. It felt like a 14 hour working day! I ended up being more stressed in the evenings than in the mornings. I thought I would just keep up with it, but after 5 days I just collapsed physically and emotionally. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was too much pressure.

I then realized: I am never gentle to myself. At first, this realization made me feel really sad, really bad and I thought to myself “what else is going to come up?” I wanted to run away from this, I was so close to going home. But if there is a place to learn how to be gentle with yourself, this is it:  you have the programme, you have the meditation, you have the people, who are not judging you, the beautiful landscape. This is the right place to learn! I decided to stay and take things session after sessions. I also spoke to my meditation instructor and took time to read and walk.

I initially thought I would leave the Dathün as a better person, but that would mean that I was previously a bad person, which is not true. The Dathün actually enables you to know yourself much better and to accept your different emotions. It was a life changing experience. I am not longer afraid of fear. I know that I have to accept that I can’t always be happy and that I can be gentle to myself."

 

Upcoming Half-Dathun September 14-29! We will have a full 4-week Dathun in 2014.